- Muyiwa Afolabi
- Thu, 19 November, 2015 04:39:09 PM
HOW TO AVOID GETTING A DIVORCE.
Your marriage looks like it’s over and your spouse has told you s/he wants a divorce. Perhaps s/he's even moved out. Maybe s/he's even having an affair. How do you stop fighting? How do you get him/her to change his/her mind and stay?
Act confident. Your spouse fell in love with a happy and balanced person whose world lit up every time s/he walked into the room. It's understandable you're unhappy that s/he's pulling away from you, but the more you cling, need, and desperately try to hang on, the more unhappy you are (since it's obvious by now that s/he's leaving you), and the less and less you are the person s/he once fell in love with. Be honest with yourself; Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's been acting the way you have been acting lately? If you're friendly, attentive, and fun to be around, s/he will want to be around you. S/he will start to gravitate (slowly but surely) back to you. Try to be confident, but not arrogant, even if it is difficult for you.
Empathize with your partner. Cater to their emotional needs first, then the material ones. Does you partner want to empty the bank account and buy a sports car? Say "I agree, it would be great fun to buy a flashy car. Let's go to the auto show this weekend, pretend we're filthy rich, and go for some test drives." Notice how you bypassed (for the time being) emptying the bank account and instead focused on his(her) feelings. This brings you closer together. Does your partner say you don't do enough chores around the house? Say "Yes, I agree, I don't do anywhere near as much work around the house as you do. I understand how upset that must make you feel at times." Notice how you bypassed (for the time being) actually doing the chores, and instead focused on her(his) feelings.
Address the physical and material needs and desires after establishing a common ground. If you've gone to the car show and had a great time, speak to each other if your partner wants to spend money you don't have. If you begin to argue and your partner says "You never care about what I want!", turn away from the spending issue and speak with them about how you want them to be happy, and that's why you married them in the first place, but that in the long run, neither of you will profit from being in debt. Let them know that you would like to make them feel loved and appreciated in a different, more sensible way.
Talk to your partner about your future. It does not help to pretend there is no problem. That will not make it disappear. Make time to speak with your partner openly. Prepare yourself for being emotionally vulnerable and lay it all on the table. Communicate your feelings and your willingness to acknowledge theirs. If you love them and want them to give you a chance and stay with you, tell them that. Offer to have counselling sessions or anything else you (or they) think might help you.
Be honest and ask for honesty in return. Tell your partner that even if they are not in love with you at the moment, the least you owe each other is respect. Respect means being honest to each other. If you want to know and you think you can handle it emotionally, ask them whether they are having an affair. Before you ask, think about how you will respond to the possible answers. If they are having an affair, tell them how much that hurts you, even if it feels counterintuitive. Tell them that you care about fidelity and that you vowed to be faithful to each other. Ask them to end their affair if you want to rebuild a strong bond with each other.
Be open to change. Agree to make changes in your routines or interaction if you feel it will help. Make clear that you will try your best, but it might take you some time to get used to them. Then really try your best and show that you are sincere. Ask the same in return.
Make up your mind to let it go if none of the above helps. If your partner is having an affair and unwilling to give it up, don't stay. You can only save your marriage together. If your partner simply does not want to, there is not much you can do, but you owe it to them and your relationship to genuinely try before throwing in the towel.
- Listen to your partner. Let them talk and get things off their chest. It will help you understand what makes them unhappy and give you a chance to take action.
- Don't despair. This is a scary time for you, but all you can do is really try. If it fails after all, don't hate yourself. You gave it your best effort.
- You should not try to fix a broken relationship if you spouse is or has physically harmed you, your children, or your family or given any sign of physical aggression. Instead, you should seek immediate protection from physical harm. Contact your local shelter, police, family, or friends and tell them you need help.
Culled from wikihow